My approach and why it serves

The emotional, mental, physical, and financial toll of conflict can be high, yet many people feel trapped or stuck in conflict. 

Conflict can stir up anger, frustration, resentment, bitterness, fear, confusion, and overwhelm. People often don’t act in alignment with their values when they’re in conflict either. This can add feelings of guilt or shame to the emotional turmoil they’re already in. They get stuck in loops, spending precious time dwelling on the problems.

People’s bodies are impacted by conflict too. Physically, it feels bad to be in conflict. People may suffer from poor sleep, tightness in their stomach, chest, or throat, high blood pressure, or more serious ailments and conditions.  

If lawyers get added to the mix, the stress gets amped up several notches. Privacy is diminished. Litigation costs are high. Moreover, if people pursue litigation, they’ll have given strangers (a judge, alone or with a jury) authority to determine their rights and impose obligations on them.

If conflict is so painful and litigation so unpleasant, why can’t people get themselves out of conflict more easily?

It’s often the case that both sides perceive that some wrongdoing by the other has occurred. They develop a negative perception about the other side and try to defend themselves from blame. Feelings are hurt. Trust breaks down. The willingness to slow down and really hear the other side fades. Fighting ensues. Perhaps they then hire lawyers and spend lots of money to be pitted against each other in court to “win.”

So many people find themselves stuck here.

There is another way forward.

Especially if, underneath it all, there’s a wish for peace, connection, and cooperation.

This is where mediation comes in.  

Both parties’ relationship to the conflict and to each other will dramatically shift when each has been heard and understood by the other side. My facilitation approach is to support each side in being able to fully express themselves and bring their needs to light and to hear and understand the other side as well. I help slow things down, so people can shift out of the ping-pong of blame, trading opinions, or whatever their communication pattern has been, including if there’s been silence. With empathy, open ears, and grounded presence, I support the parties in moving towards deep understanding.

There are many benefits to my approach: 

First, deep understanding allows for the possibility of connection, because the parties can see the humanity in each other again.

Second, deep understanding is also a bridge to creative, collaborative problem solving where solutions arise with relative ease. Because solutions are rooted in the parties’ understanding of each other’s needs and are designed by them, the agreements that emerge are more durable. People can see how abiding by the agreements serves their needs, which makes them more likely to cooperate over the long term. 

Third, practically speaking, mediation is far less costly than litigation, and people can choose to mediate without lawyers.

Lastly, this process is a way out of emotional turmoil and all its negative consequences. People can reclaim their time and energy and redirect it towards living life with greater ease, meaning, and enjoyment. They may even pick up some techniques on how to communicate more effectively going forward.